you are here: Meeting in Person 101
by Brettani Shannon
You live miles apart -- but you met online, sparks flew and now you want to meet in person. Great! From managing expectations to the particulars of that first meeting and safety considerations, we’ve got 24 tips to help you plan your first in-person tryst.
Managing your expectations
1. Make sure that you both really want to meet. If either of you feels reluctant, there is probably a good reason why you should hold off. Some experienced online daters suggest meeting right away to get it out of the way and make sure that the chemistry is there before wasting any more time. Others say wait until you are sure this is someone you want to get involved with. It really does depend on personal preference. If you choose to meet early on, it's a good idea to meet on a casual, friendship basis to ensure there is no pressure to act like a couple when you aren’t ready.
2. Have a phone conversation, if you haven’t already, before you meet in person. Your first in-person conversation could be really awkward, but if you have already had lengthy conversations on the phone, things may go a whole lot smoother.
3. Discuss your first-meeting expectations before you meet. Talk about how you want to greet each other. Should you hug? Kiss? It’s a good idea to clear that up beforehand so the moment is wonderful instead of uncomfortable. Even with a plan in mind, it can be nerve-wracking to meet for the first time, so don’t expect every moment to be magic. It can be a bit uncomfortable and still turn out great, so go into the meeting with an open mind.
4. Plan activities in advance. You don’t want him to pack dress clothes when you plan to take him bike riding. And even more important than proper attire is interest. Bike riding may be your thing, but make sure he is truly interested before setting it up. Pick up on his cues and be flexible. If you are the visiting party, ask questions so that you aren’t the one stuck pedaling in stilettos. If you find yourself on the receiving end of pushy planning, consider it a warning that he could be controlling and inattentive.
Who pays
5. Meet in the middle and go Dutch. There is some debate about who should pay for the trip -- the person visiting or the person hosting the meeting. Generally, going Dutch is the appropriate protocol. Whenever practical, it’s a good idea to meet in the middle for a first meeting. That way you both pay your share of transportation costs getting there, you each make your own arrangements for lodging, if applicable, and you both feel like you have equal say in how you spend your time.
6. Who should pay for what? If you have planned to meet on either of your “turfs” already, then you might want to have a conversation about the costs before you do anything else. It is always best if the person traveling pays his or her own way. That way, the traveler can plan according to his or her preferences and not feel obligated to the hosting party. Paying for the hotel, dining and entertainment are more acceptable costs for the host to incur.
7. Be considerate with each other. Regardless of the plan and who pays for what major expenses, it is always in good taste to treat each other to various things. Budget so you can buy a little gift or souvenirs. Pay for ice-cream or drinks when he pays for the meal. Just try and make things go smoothly. Don’t resist when he offers to pay, making it too much about money. Enjoy being treated and enjoy picking up the tab as well.
Your Presentation
8. Be yourself. The only mistake you can make is misrepresenting yourself.
9. Dress to impress. However, it is just as important to dress for the occasion. Keep it casual if you are meeting in a casual environment, dress warm if it’s cold, wear comfortable shoes if you are doing something active and dress to kill if you are meeting for late night cocktails. You want your date to know that you care about attracting him without looking like you are trying too hard.
10. Make sure you smell great. Wear a nice scent, but don’t overdo it. Your scent will leave a lasting impression, but you don’t want to give him a headache. Pack along a bit of dental floss, mouthwash and mints to ensure your mouth is always fresh.
11. Have a plan for breaking the ice. Because your first in-person conversation can feel strange, it may help to have some topics picked out ahead of time. Jot them down and even practice a few one-liners and ice-breakers on your way there.
Romantic Ideas
13. Demonstrate your attentiveness. Incorporating some of his favorite things into your date is a special way to show him you care. Think back to past conversations for clues and then surprise him by treating him to his favorite cuisine, bringing him his favorite flower, reading him a poem from his favorite poet, dancing with him to his favorite song, or taking him on a romantic stroll during his favorite time of day.
14. Come bearing gifts. Bring a little something special to your first meeting. Choose a gift you know he will appreciate. If you think he would like a bouquet of flowers, get him that. If you think a silly singing card or a cute keychain is more his style, then go that way. Whatever you choose, keep it light and casual. Don’t go buying diamonds for your first meeting.
Safety Tips
15. Before it’s too late, make sure that the person you are going to meet is who you think he is. Ask him for a video so you aren’t unpleasantly shocked at how he speaks, moves, how tall he is, etc. Most of all, you are making sure he isn’t misrepresenting himself in any way. Even if it’s just giving you a misleading photo, it could be a clue that he isn’t entirely honest about who he is.
16. Send him a little something via snail mail to confirm that he lives where he says he lives. If he never mentions getting your correspondence, it could mean that he doesn’t live where he said he lived and that is a big red flag (or it could mean that he lives with another partner and it has been intercepted). The only good reason might be his own protective measure in not giving out his physical address to someone he's met online.
17. Go Google stalking. Pop his name and any other information (businesses, organizations, etc) into a search engine to confirm details he's given you about his life.
18. If you are traveling a long distance to meet, make sure you have separate lodging arrangements. Don’t stay at his house, don’t rent a dwelling together or arrange anything else that puts you in a vulnerable position. Even if you feel like you know him well, it is always a mistake to put yourself in that position. You need to make sure you have your own space and a place to retreat to if you feel uncomfortable for any reason.
19. My advice is to never invite him into your room or go to his until you have spent much more time together in person. I know that some of you are making this trip because you can’t wait to get alone with him, but I urge you to take it easy. There is no better “predator test” than to see how he reacts to clear and steadfast physical boundaries.
20. Meet your date in a public place. Find a romantic restaurant or someplace where you can have intimate conversation, but make sure you are in view of other people so that you have a way to help yourself if something goes wrong.
21. Tell someone where you are going every step of the way. Choose a friend or family member to be your check-in person. Call or text them when you change locations so that someone always knows where you are.
22. If this is a very new relationship, consider taking a friend along with you for the meeting. You will be much safer, plus you'll have a more objective third-party to help screen your date as well.
23. Make sure you carry a cell phone (and bring your charger) and some sort of self-defense weapon like pepper spray. It may sound a little over the top, but those two things save the lives of women every day.
24. Don’t get drunk. There is no worse compromise to your safety that you could make. Be smart and stay at least relatively sober. Besides, you want to give your best impression, and drinking too much is usually a short-cut to showing your worst side.
